What three strippers read during the day while working in Alaska:

Boomsday, Christopher Buckley
Rant, Chuck Pahlahniuk
The Yiddish Policeman's Union, Michael Chabon
A Thousand Splendid Suns, Khaled Hosseni
Possible Side Effects, Augusten Burorughs
The Panama Hat Trail, Tom Miller

I spent a nice week in a tidy vacation rental apartment with two friends from Philly. It only lacked internet access and a functioning dishwasher. We ran it and the dishes were still filthy, and the detergent was still stuck in the dispenser, and I thought I was really clever when I turned on the water which had been shut off under the sink. Until I came home and found water all over the floor. The landlady hadn't mentioned it was broken.

We witnessed a police chase, too! I was sitting on the deck when I saw a guy running through the backyard, which was odd, as the rental was neighbored by a church on one side and nothing at all on the other. It was off a dirt road, as well. Then I see two cop cars pull into the parking lot next door, and two cops in bulletproof vests pull their guns and begin running through the woods after the guy. He turned out to be attempting to evade a DUI arrest as we gathered after watching the sobriety test and seeing a bottle of Jim Beam pulled from his car. Look, we took a photo:





We also saw some pretty Alaska scenery.





The arrival of the alpha strippers from Philadelphia upset the club ecosystem and their ability to sell rapidly upset some of the locals who began bitching so much that an impromptu dancer meeting was called in the locker room at 1:30 a.m. one night. "Now, we have one month to make our money here," the manager said. "And there's a lot of dirty hustling going on. I know you all need to make your money but do it right. and the rest of you need to stop getting pissed off about other girls making money."

"Yeah, there's no 'team' in 'stripper'," injects one of the locals, a big girl who manages to make her money.

The second week in July the money started out great, went to mediocre, and finished badly, so I was happy to take five days to go to San Francisco for a break. There are no quick trips from Alaska unless your final destination is Seattle, because most flights leaving ANC are redeyes. This means rush hour, and the longest lines for security, are at 11 p.m. Lots of boxes of frozen fish being checked.

And of course as soon as I get home from SF, Jim Mitchell dies, and I won't get to attend what will surely be an insane wake at the Mitchell Brothers O'Farrell Street Theater.

Also, the money was apparently great beginning with the third night I was gone. Still was last night, too. A man from Washington state crossed himself while I was dancing for him. Later another dancer tells me earlier in the night she did two dances for him and at the end he said, "You didn't make me come. I'm not paying you." Another man from Washington is very, very, drunk and tips me $20 to give him a peck on the cheek in front of his friend when we return from the dance area. The friend is impressed. A guy from Wyoming tips well and is a darling, extending his dance session three times.

We have all discovered some interesting geographical patterns to customer quality. Cuatomers from Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, and Montana are almost all good spenders, respectful, and fun. They drink a lot but rarely to the point of asshattery. Customers from Washington who go to Seattle clubs are jerks, as are customers from Texas who go to Houston clubs, and customers from Minnesota who go to Minneapolis clubs. New Yorkers and Angelenos are a mixed bag. So our conversations are like this:


"So where are you from?"

"Well, I live in Caspar, Wyoming,"

Stripper hears: "I make a shitload of money in oil and gas and work my ass off, so when I'm out I spend a ton of it too! My momma also raised me right."

Stripper says: "That's so cool! I've heard great things about you guys."


"I'm from Houston/Seattle/Minneapolis."

"Uh-huh. Do you ever go to the clubs there?"

a) "Oh hell yeah, they're great.

Stripper hears: "You can get a $40 blowjob!"

Stripper says: "OhheyIhavetogoIthinkI'monstagenext."

b) "No, I don't really get a chance to go to these kinds of places often."

Stripper hears: "I don't know anything about $40 blowjobs but I'll pay that to see some nice boobies."

Stripper says: "Really? Well cool, this will be a treat!"

We're off again in a bit. It's 10:11 and still nice and bright out.