Texas Burlesque Festival Wrapup

There is one image that will endure as a defining moment for the Texas Burlesque Festival: A voluptuous, pale Black Mariah, clad in Presidential Seal pasties, a sash emblazoned with "Decider," and a rubber George W Bush mask that seemed to have more expressiveness and personality than the president himself. Walking out on stage in her presidential drag, the crowd played along, booing and hissing. “Welcome to Austin!,” I said to my companion, “We hate the president here.” It was a perfect combination of vaudeville, striptease, and commentary that makes up burlesque in Austin. It may not be the bigtime, and I could definitely do without another rendition of "I Wanna Be Evil," but it comes from such a fabulous let’s-put-on-a-show ethic and plays to a crowd who loves to love its performers.

I have no earthly idea how my performance was and won’t until I see the video, but everyone was so complimentary about my Anna Nicole tribute. The photo below is thanks to Mariana, and I have to say that my ass is awfully pronounced for being so far away.


I learned that Good’n’Plenty read as pills on stage pretty well, and that South Texas has some very sexy, very talented stripteasers. That last part really delights me, knowing that in Corpus Christi and Brownsville there are women putting on their own damn shows.

There were friends of mine from all over in Austin that weekend, which culminated in an impromptu eight-woman topless photo in my sister’s bedroom. Some of those ladies have very respectable day jobs or post-dancing careers, so I’m keeping my copies password protected.

All in all, a fabulous weekend. I got into town on Wednesday and spent a couple of very relaxing days out in the Hill Country. Friday night was the opening night of the festival down at the Parish, a venue I last visited when Idlewild played there in the summer of 2005. It’s the same but without smoking now. There was strobelit hula hooping, Kitty Kitty Bang Bang’s "Eye of the Tiger" number, a gorgeous champagne glass act by Miss Maulie, and the crowd-pleasing "Closer" from the Carousel Cabaret. That particular piece is performed by three women dressed as a sheep, a pig, and a chicken, and a man in overalls, to a bluegrass version of, naturally, Nine Inch Nails’ "Closer," emphasizing the "I want to fuck you like an animal" chorus. Very East Texas. I sadly didn’t get photos of dick as the club was packed to capacity and the performers didn’t get seats (I think I might have bought myself a ticket had I known this to be the case, or packed a camp stool or something, as I was geared up in heels and cocktail dress for the occasion).

Happily I ran into my old Memphis pal and genius photographer/DJ Victoria, saw lots of Austin friends, and reconnected with Audrey Maker, the event planning machine behind Burlesque for Peace and many other wonderful Austin events. Victoria Djed post-show for dancing fun, while Pig Girl from Carousel danced in her outfit. Which had six nipples. Pig nipples.

Saturday I was up far earlier than I should have been but one of the great things about not drinking is that I don’t have hangovers, just, you know, tired and hungry feelings. The Hideout played host to a panel for the fest, which was pretty casual. There are a few things that post-fest should be emphasized, like:

Be creative, and don’t dance to songs that have been done. to. death. Examples: “I Want to Be Evil,” “Big Spender,” “Fever.”
Make sure you can get out of your costume. There was an amazing example of a wardrobe malfunction on Saturday night when one gorgeous performer couldn’t get her cheongsam unzipped. Ouch. Zippers are tricky; I prefer the plastic, heavy-duty separating kind. This is the sort of professional information we have to share!
If you’re doing a striptease, fucking take off your clothes already! I swear, one more flesh-toned bra with pasties glued to it, pshht. If you just want to dress slutty, do group dance numbers, and emulate the Pussycat Dolls, all without any actual nudity, go to college and join the damn drill team. Or start a girl group. Sexy chick singers and dance groups are great, but it needs to be entertaining above and beyond the emulation of America’s most beloved hootchies to be burlesquey fun. Like, singing “Gloria” instead of “Fever” and having a kickline of gals dressed like Patti Smith would totally work for me. Can someone do that?
On the other hand, group dance numbers of seven chicks in Jolly Roger pasties dancing to punk rock amuses me.

So now you know about most of Saturday, a lot of which I missed due to talking to 50% of all the people I know in Austin, being in the dressing room changing after performing, and having my picture taken. I'm still amazed the place was able to accommodate all the performers.



There were a couple of fan dances, my favorite being Bon Bon Vivant’s gorgeous pink flamingo number. There were some audience awards but I don’t remember all of them; I think the Lollibombs received best troupe and Cardinal Cyn got best solo, but I’ll wait for confirmation on that. The trophies were pretty cool.



Doryan and Adam of Burlesque for Peace won Best MCs, a deal that I think was sealed when they twirled tassels attached to the front of their thongs.

Huge congratulations are due to Audrey Maker and Stacey Breakall (a great performer in her own right with Kitty Kitty Bang Bang) for putting together a fun and exiciting sold-out inaugural festival. Here's Audrey, not going insane before Saturday's show.



I’m bummed that people couldn’t get in on both nights, but that’s also a testament to their success. I hope there will be something going on in March for South by Southwest in Austin, as I’m planning on spending a good chunk of time in Texas then.