The movers won’t be bringing our furniture until the 5th, but we’ll be in the apartment, um, well, now. I return late on the 30th and look forward to six days in an apartment empty of all but the basic necessities: a broadband connection and a futon mattress. Somehow a television will be procured for bowl game watching, though, since I sadly, sadly, sadly won’t be making it to the Rose Bowl in person (if you want to take me I won’t have sex with you but I will give you a lapdance during halftime and will expose myself after the game to reveal Texas Longhorn logo pasties), I am considering attending the, um, joint Texas Exes—USC Alumni game watch at our local theatre. After which I will expose myself to reveal Texas Longhorn logo pasties.

I had a lovely few days with the family and a pleasant Christmas, thank you, and I hope you all enjoyed the holiday.

In fact, I worked on Christmas night, forgetting that it was also a Sunday and therefore $10 dance night, so not as lucrative as it would have been, because the club was completely packed. It was really, really funny, and I was sad that my Santa outfit and inappropriate Christmas music was all packed away. Here’s my stripper Christmas playlist:

“Five Pound Box of Money,” Pearl Bailey
“Santa Baby,” Eartha Kitt (well, duh)
“Don’t Believe in Christmas” The Sonics
“Merry Fucking Christmas,” Mr. Garrison, South Park
“Father Christmas” The Kinks
“Shouldn’t Have Given Him a Gun for Christmas” Wall of Voodoo
“Santa Claus is a Black Man” Akim & the Teddy Vann Production Company
“Christmas Time in Hell” South Park

because it’s so goofy, and there are so few girls usually that you can get away with anything.

But my best night of the week was Thursday, when I met possibly my single most favorite one-time customer ever, a truly hilarious and generous fellow who I spent the entire night with. This guy is himself an entertainer and as such spent the night entertaining me I think more than I entertained him. Except he kept his clothes on. It was probably my single best night of the year in terms of money, fun, and novelty. Thanks, Limbaugh!

I’ll be working on New Year’s Day as well, though that will be in Portland rather than Austin (are you keeping up? I am in Texas today, tomorrow I will fly back up to Oregon). And I bet it rains. Which it hasn’t down here in so long that there’s a ban on fireworks for New Year’s. This hasn’t translated into actually banning the sale of fireworks, though, as I’ve passed a half-dozen stands each time I’ve left the city limits. How they expect that all to pan out can’t be grounded in reality.

Why, yes, perhaps you should reconsider deducting that business lunch. Also known as another reason why I wish I'd set myself up as a one-woman nonprofit when I was in school; receipts for everyone!

The DJ got on the mike on Tuesday and paged me: "Phone call for Susan, front desk," which was really strange, as whoever needs to reach me has my cell number, and generally they don't pass on calls for dancers at the club. But I wander up there and pick up the phone, saying, "This is Susan." A woman says "I'm calling fo Cesar, not Susan." Ah. Which is also funny as sometimes Hispanic customers think I'm saying my name is Cesar when I introduce myself. And sometimes people think I'm saying my name is Season. Or Suzanne. Whatever. It just goes to show you that even if you don't have some stupid stripper name like Fantasia people are going to be confused with the loud music and the booze and the staring at your boobs instead of listening to you.

There was a (black, quite butch) female customer who was deep in her cups last night trying to hang out in the dressing room. Female customers have to use the same restroom as the dancers at XTC and it's right by the dressing room; she was standing at the entrance asking if she could come in and the girls were of course ignoring her. She was eventually tossed, sort of. The manager spent 20 minutes trying to get her to pay for a dance, later telling me, "It's not like I can threaten to beat the shit out of her, you know? But--I can send Divine (a very buff, very strong woman) over to talk to her."

My legs are still freaking killing me. There is truly no better quad workout than the lapdance. I would compare it to a sexual position, but when you're having sex someone else is doing some of the weight-bearing too. During a lapdance you're doing all the work.

Talked to a San Antonio customer last night who told me the new ordinances down there still have everyone on edge, and one of the nude clubs was raided recently. I wonder if Austin will absorb the SA pervs or if the clubs will just continue to break the rules? Remind me to share my thoughts on the whole regulation process later.

I am in Austin and I had tacos for my first meal off the plane! And went to work last night and oh, are my legs tired today from not having done lapdances since November 25 or so.

I was quite happy to be back in Texas last night due in no small part to the money I made which will come in handy on my move-in date . . . oh lord, I hate moving costs as much as the actual moving. Thank god I didn't actually have to pay for the move itself.

Soooo the plan is to work through to Christmas Eve and then spend Eve and Day out in the Hill Country with various friends and family. I am, of course, a sucker for Christmas and love nothing more than to bake Christmas cookies with my mom and sister and listen to the Sesame Street Christmas album (still the old copy on vinyl from my childhood). I don't even mind missing out on snow.

Anyone in town wanting to say hi, bring a bag from the Salt Lick to the club. And to that customer I met yesterday who has great taste in music, don't forget to email me the names/key tracks of those bands you were talking about so I can check them out.

Oh, kisses on both cheeks to the reader who sent me a Christmas gift to keep me busy on the plane ride to Austin! Thank you kindly.

I choked a little on the rents of some of those lovely downtown Portland apartments, but we ended up finding a place that's completely worth it. I will never have to get on the highway to go to the grocery store again. Oh, hooray new apartment and your gorgeous amenities. And elevator! Did I mention that the Cincy place was a fourth floor walk-up? Not too bad in general but unpleasant when bringing home groceries (and a bitch for the movers).

The Dolphin II has been fairly good to me so far with only one shift being truly bad. And, really, Portland guys, you're great. You can have conversations that don't involve NASCAR and don't use racial slurs in casual conversation. It's a pleasure to talk to you. I especially had a blast yesterday with one fella who came in in the late afternoon and pretty much saved my day. It's so great; I'm so much happier when the customers entertain me and pay me, too. Hah.

Of course there is still lots of entertaining talk in the dressing room, though I am going to have to save one particular anecdote as it would be really cruel for anyone to hear it and then come looking for this dancer.

I haven't gotten reprimanded on the couch again, so I suppose I'm following the rules, whatever the hell they are. It's like a combination back-rub/lap-sit except you can't really sit on the guy's lap. Oh, hell, I can't explain them, you'd better just try one. It's definitely different from any other kind of table/lap/couch dance I've ever done, and I've even actually danced on top of tables.

I'll be heading to Austin on Monday and will work a few shifts at XTC while I'm there, so Austin folks, come on out and say howdy. Bring me some ribs and enchiladas, too.

It's already looking like another travel-heavy few months:

Dec: Austin for the holidays
Jan: Pasadena (Rose Bowl!), back to TX for sister's wedding
Feb: Possibly England for some Julian Cope shows
Mar: Again with the ATX for SXSW

(another great thing about being in Oregon, when you tell people you're from Texas, they're all, oh, man, you don't like Bush, do you? instead of being all oh, Bush country, yeah.)

Here I am in Portland finally, relaxing in a lovely hotel room after my first day's work in the PDX. I went to two clubs to audition yesterday, rival clubs in Beaverton, and got hired and scheduled at both, but I think I've decided just to work at one of them this week since I don't want to get in trouble in case they're territorial about their dancers and because I like one of them better.

At the first one, I had to sit around for ages; the total process took about an hour and fifteen minutes and then the manager told me I could work days, perhaps nights though "I'd like to see you tone up a little, maybe more makeup. And a tan, unless you like the goth look."
"Uh, I just don't like skin cancer. Though I'm not averse to a spray tan." If I really wanted to be a bitch, I'd have asked this manager, who was quite the butterball, for the number of his personal trainer. Hah hah.

So then on to the next one, where the audition process was much shorter and where I think I'll be able to have a more flexible schedule; I was put on for nights and days.

But what to do about the first club? I left a message tonight stating I wouldn't be able to work the shifts I scheduled there but am supposed to call tomorrow as well; I am hesitant to burn any bridges as, even though there are 50 strip clubs in Portland, there are about seven at which I'd like to work and would like to keep all of my options open. I definitely plan on trying to get a shift a week at one of the fun downtown clubs just to have a place to play the funky music and have a good time.

See, this is the bizarre thing about strip club auditions. Sometimes you hear that you need to lose weight and tan from a fat man, and sometimes you are hailed as the cutest thing since Rachel McAdams. At the same exact type of club. I suppose that's a reflection of hiring managers' individual tastes, though I would think smart ones would hire with an eye towards variety (of course standards are always good).

Case in point: a very attractive dancer back in Indiana was made to work shitty day shifts for weeks as a disciplinary action. She was in far better shape than many of the dancers there, day or night, myself included. But she got stuck with the crappy shifts for weeks there.

Anyhow, I'd be thrilled if I worked at that first club during the day and it turned out to be really lucrative, but I'd be more thrilled to work at the second one where the manager was nice to me (and where, after a slow start, I pulled a reasonable amount of money out by the end of the shift).

It was great to be naked again. No more nipple-killing latex to apply and rip off, and no more extreme shaving required. I can have a little bush again. Hee. And there was a nice large stage, and I didn't have shove my titties near anyone's stubble, and people just toss money up on to the stage. I love that. Especially the cowboy who tossed up fives and the two guys who would throw seven or eight bucks up there each song. I did, let's see, two nude dances and four couch dances, which at this club are the fucking strangest thing ever, as they are done in a long dress or pants outfit, on the couch, with a pillow placed over the customer's crotch and your hir tied back so they can tell nothing naughty is happening. The point seems to be to run your hands through the customer's hair, rub his shoulders, gaze deeply into his eyes, and talk dirty if you're so inclined. I was reprimanded twice (for being a dirty, dirty bitch and having the slit of my dress slide up to my hip and for placing a leg on the pillow that was on top of the customer) and think I finally have a clue about how to do the damn things. The customers were all cool, the dancers were nice, and I like the club's layout.

Oh, oh, oh, I also didn't smoke! I quit the day of the move and today was my first day at work--and I made it without smoking. This is huge. I have never worked a shift without smoking before today. Of course, I've got a piece of nicotine gum in my mouth right now, but that beats a cigarette. Ten days! My cigarette money is going into a high-yield savings account and it will be matched by my main supporter in this endeavor after six months towards the purchase of a new computer.

Soooo. I will be here until the 19th, then in TX for Christmas and such until the 30th, then back to Portland for New Year's, then to the Rose Bowl, at which I hope to see my Texas Longhorns win their first national title in 35 years. It's going to be a fun month, I can tell.