Country Roads

I have been sitting stopped on a two-lane road for ten minutes so far. This club, this town where I'm going, it's more removed from cities than anywhere else I have worked, including Alaska.

Hey, some ca

Moving now.

For General Use

Oh, really?

Look what I saw

Downtown in Wallace, Idaho, when I went to get a cheeseburger last night. Too bad it's 7:30 a.m. on a Sunday. Otherwise I'd be taking that tour.

Hitting the road

The damn Sirius is out and it's a weekend and I'm driving 1200 miles in the next two days. I've become accustomed to listening to it on long drives and will miss having access to NPR in the middle of nowhere. But the iPod's fully charged, I've got a thermos of coffee, a carton of cigarettes (can't buy American Spirits where I'm going. There are actual Native Americans there.)

So it's off to the small town titty bars in the not-quite-yet frozen North of the U.S. Where we cover our nipples and have little restraints for the guys to stick their hands. Where I have been offered the spoils of hunting, which is probably what was offered to the very first woman to get naked commercially. Where there's nowhere to eat after 10 p.m. save the one truckstop restaurant, so that means nowhere to me since I don't want to go to the one place everyone from the bar will be.

These are good places to work, though, and I'll feel very productive. Also, they pay you to work. The clubs do, that is, not just the customers, and this is really, really uncommon. I'm always amused when endorsing a check from a strip club.

Time to start driving.

Austin, Portland, Ore., San Francisco and Seattle are Top Blogging Markets

This reminded me of something. Yesterday was this blog's fifth anniversary. When it began I'd been in Austin for thirteen years. In the past five years I've lived in three different cities and states. Two of which are full of geeks. Portland's full of geeks and strippers and not surprisingly, I really like it here.

Thanks to every cool coworker, fun customer, and nice reader, and to all of you who have given me stories to share.

A couple of really bad shifts

I'm ready to hit the road. This time next week I'll be in the midst of entertaining North Dakota's menfolk. And some womenfolk, believe it or not.

Yesterday morning it was really hard to find downtown parking. I ended up paying $12 for it. And then made $63 on a morning shift! Like Tara said, getting naked for (practically) free will keep you humble. So let us forget that day as if it never happened.

The crazies were out on Monday. So much so that V, the bartender, came around the bar to look at the calender on the side of the register. "Is it a full moon tonight? No, four days. They must be early."

A bad night at Mary's isn't necessarily a bad money night. Sometimes it's just slow, there aren't a lot of customers, but the ones who are there tip, so we don't take it out on them when the bar is just dead. No, a bad night is when there's, say, a group of three men and four women, who sit at their table discussing the performers and not tipping. Any mixed groups are usually terrible tippers, to be honest, unless there's a former or current stripper in the bunch, or other service-industry types. It's the rare group that's as good as the worst bachelor party, sorry to say. But to those that are good, you have no idea how much it delights us. On a bad night we also get some of downtown Portland's local color, like the previously mentioned Invisible Friend Guy. Tonight it was a barely intelligible tall guy in a sweater and a barely intelligible short guy in a t-shirt. They arrived separately but became drinking buddies over the course of the night, sitting in some of the required tipping seats and not tipping.

One of the other dancers on shift tonight, N, is old school. She started stripping before the arrival of table dances in Portland and to this day refuses to do them. If asked, she simply says no. It's a testament to the quality of the stage tips in Portland that one can still make decent money without table dances. Good money, even. It still surprises me. N also expects the customers at the rack to observe proper stageside etiquette, which goes like this: if you're sitting at the stage, you should be tipping the dancer on stage a dollar a song, minimum. That's all we ask for being within 12 inches of naked women, a buck every 3-5 minutes. If you only want to tip certain dancers, or only want to sit at the stage when we're buck naked, hey, it's not great, but it's better than sitting there and not tipping. And sitting anywhere in the bar and staring but not tipping is just annoying and offensive, especially when we get off stage and customers lavish us with compliments but not dollars.

For my sanity and to maintain a decent attitude I tend to assume that people who do not tip at all and yet stare and seemingly enjoy the show are uneducated in the ways of strip club etiquette. Nikki may assume this as well, but will not be so nice when correcting them: "If you are sitting at the rack you need to be tipping." She's not a bitch about it, but if someone's been there for a couple of songs and hasn't ponied up, she will say something, loudly. This should actually be the job of the waitress or bartender, but we have to get their attention first and on nights like this they're dealing with their own nontippers.

Downstairs in the dressing room B and I were dreading our upcoming sets. She'd made one single dollar during one set -- this is pretty much unheard of there. We sat there, she talked on the phone helping to tell her ex-husband's girlfriend how to help get him worker's comp for a horrible accident he'd had at work, and worried about his kids. Which puts the crappy work night into perspective.

I was over the night by 11:30 p.m. Just done. Snapped at some guy. I was at the bar getting water and he said to me, "Hey, you. Go sit with me over there."
"Excuse me?"
"Go sit over there."
"Was that an order? I don't take orders. I didn't hear a please or a would you like to have a drink or anything pleasant."
And turned and went to the dressing room.

During my last set I had another non-tipper at the rack. I knelt at the end of the stage and motioned him to lean in. "Hey, honey, if you're going to sit at the rack you need to tip."
"I threw a ten up there for you," he said. I vaguely remembered a ten and some fives I'd scooped up, and apologize. For about thirty seconds I felt bad about this until I realized he was full of shit and the lone $10 came from some smiling fat guy who came up from one of the tables. At least it shamed the lying liar into tipping B during her last set.

I want the British guys from Saturday back, the ones that when I told them "Hey, American money is cheap to you. You can tip us really well," started throwing $20s. Or my luck on the slots when I turned the $5 some guy gave me to play beside him into $100 in two minutes. Sometimes I dance for free, sometimes I get money for nothing.

There go my November plans

The gorgeous club in Bozeman that I loved so in June has been hit hard with a $3 million court settlement resulting from an underage drunk driving death several years ago. The circumstances are tragic and this is a sad consequence, though I find the emphasis on institutional rather than personal responsibility to be appalling. All around it's a bad situation.

I'm hearing lots of gossip and rumors about this through the stripper information network and hope to have more news by the time I'm passing through there in November. This is a wildly popular and beloved club amongst traveling dancers because it's gorgeous, has great amenities, very well-enforced rules, and a great staff. Tara once referred to it as the perfect club, and she wasn't far off. The circumstances of this change are upsetting in so many ways.

Drive Like Jehu were cooler, dude.

Up until this very moment, if you'd asked me what the most esoteric tribute band in the country was, I would have said the late Monkey Trick. But this tops it. I had no idea that Rocket From the Crypt was ripe for this treatment. I would now make a joke about expecting a Six Finger Satellite tribute band to form, but I heard a rumor they themselves will tour again so they'll effectively fill that role themselves.

Dante's Sinferno

Last night I went down to catch the local cabaret night at Dante's with my coworker and friend Mitchell. It's the Sunday night Service Industry Night there as well, which means reduced cover for bartenders, waitresses, doorguys and girls, and strippers. Everyone but strippers have liquor cards from the OLCC to show. Strippers have a little chat with the doorgirl. She said, "Just tell me; I usually know." "Do you want to see my phone with all the numbers that have two first names?" I asked. Because that's a sign. 503-555-1212 Fantasy (Jenny) is not last name, first name, it's stage name, (real name). Or they could let us use the secret handshake.

The show was good. Go-go dancers perform between acts on the stage and platforms supported 7' off the ground. There were firedancers (three), several themed striptease acts, a stripper/contortionist (the fabulous Blaze, a Mary's standout), and a hula hooper. I enjoyed the stripper numbers, though they made me wonder if the goofier burlesque I prefer would go over in there. Because naturally I have a desire to perform in this thing; that stage is fantastic! Oh, it's got a seriously black backdrop, and this being Portland and a very rock'n'roll town, many of the performers were wearing black, making them practically disappear into the background. I don't know if that can be solved with lighting or what, but Jo Weldon isn't kidding when she teaches not to wear black when performing or to seriously bling it up for visibility. Anyhow, now I have to consider if my silly nature is rock and roll enough for these tattooed hardcore fireeating motherfuckers.

There was also an acrobatic act; one 4'10 woman and one 6' one, and some near mishaps that had us holding our breath. It was discomfiting to watch a big lady and a little lady do some of what they were doing in this way I can't quite articulate. Not that I didn't want to watch. It was just . . . it really was like a sideshow act. Which is awesome.

So along with Stripparaoke at Devils Point, Portland has to take the prize for best Sunday night half-(or completely) naked activities. This stuff happens every week in this town. Where the hell have I been?

What's in the jukebox

I've mentioned before that Mary's has a jukebox rather than a DJ. It wasn't the first club I worked in with this setup, but it was the first place I saw it. We burn their own CDs for the jukebox. Other clubs in town allow dancers to plug in their iPods, which is better for having a massive playlist at your fingertips, but this is more revealing about other dancers. Like, "Wow, Zoe really loves the Black Angels," and "I didn't think that Juliana was such a huge hip hop fan," and "Who in the hell is going to dance to the Star Wars cantina band song?"

My CD rotation is erratic because I come in and out of town so much. Next weekend I'm leaving for two weeks in North Dakota and one in Montana. But I managed to slide a new disc in a few weeks ago, and I present the playlist and commentary for your amusement. I got to thinking about this last week in Texas, when a friend let me come on his KOOP show for an hour to promote the Texas Burlesque Festival, and I played several tracks from the list below.

1. "So Rich, So Pretty" Mickey Avalon
If this isn't a strip club cliche by now, I don't know what is.
2. "Biting My Nails" Renegade Soundwave
1989, baby! Straight from 120 Minutes.
3. "Pieces Of The People We Love" The Rapture
4. "Coke And Mirrors" Six Finger Satellite
In 1997 I was at a 6FS show at Emo's in Austin. I was wearing a very unbuttoned white shirt. Bra hanging out, community tittes on display. I think I was trying to get one of my fellow college newspaper scribes to pay attention to me. Anyhow, the singer did a very considered and purposeful faceplant into my cleavage. "I should really dance to one of their songs," I thought. "Too bad there's no way the DJ would let me get away with anything by them."
5. "Tribulations" LCD Soundsystem
Coincidentally, music from someone who produced 6FS.
6. "North American Scum" LCD Soundsystem
On first hearing this song I laughed, but there are bloggers out there who have done some in-depth analysis of this tune. Several. Here, here, and here are musings on its meaning and rundowns of the lyrics.
It's the "Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue" for people who hate the President but are sick of having to explain that when in Europe.
7. "The Heinrich Maneuver" Interpol
Lead single off their latest. I like it mainly for the "How are things on the West Coast?" lyric.
8. "Uncontrollable Urge" Devo
9. "Sonic Reducer" Dead Boys
10. "Final Solution" Pere Ubu
I was feeling a little Ohio and wanted to put "Final Solution" on the jukebox, so I ended up with the above trio. Sometimes I play all three back-to-back as a set and ask the crowd if they can tell me what all three of those songs have in common. No one has yet, but I had the distinct pleasure of seeing one guy sing along to Pere Ubu, which will be the only time I see that at work.
11. "Perfume-V" Pavement
Another dancer has "Summer Babe" on the jukebox, which always made me want to hear this.
12. "Freak Scene" Dinosaur Jr
13. "Bastards Of Young" The Replacements
Gotta have some classic rock (oh, yeah! I may be old enough to have seen Pavement in 1992, but neither of the above in their prime).
14. "I Idolize You" Boss Hog
15. "Feeling Good" Muse
16. "Another Perfect Catastrophe" Firewater
The above three were also intended as a three song set. A pretty slinky, somewhat melodramatic set. Muse are the Styx of our generation; I've seen them twice; in Columbus, OH a couple of years ago, for about two minutes (I had been there to see Razorlight, who opened for them), and at Reading last summer. I would call them a guilty pleasure if I felt guilt. That reminds me of a new word my friend Jennifer is using, "scorny," which means the feeling you get when turned on by something you hold in low regard. I have decided that since I derive pleasure from their music, they are good and therefore worthy of my regard. Which makes a word like that useless to me unless it's applied to individuals rather than entertainments.
17. "The Man Don't Give A Fuck" Super Furry Animals
I wish that I could find an edit of this like the live version, where they play a video loop of Bill Hicks saying, "All governments are liars and murderers," over and over. This is the song that goes with my "This Machine Kills Fascists" Ass™.
18. "Never Win" Fischerspooner
19. "Heart Of Hearts" !!!
Well, those two are just good for shaking it.

As far as what I'm listening to at home, it's Prinzhorn Dance School and the first B-52s album. I don't think "You Are the Space Invader" is gonna make it into my work rotation anytime soon but "52 Girls" definitely will.

Texas Burlesque Festival Wrapup

There is one image that will endure as a defining moment for the Texas Burlesque Festival: A voluptuous, pale Black Mariah, clad in Presidential Seal pasties, a sash emblazoned with "Decider," and a rubber George W Bush mask that seemed to have more expressiveness and personality than the president himself. Walking out on stage in her presidential drag, the crowd played along, booing and hissing. “Welcome to Austin!,” I said to my companion, “We hate the president here.” It was a perfect combination of vaudeville, striptease, and commentary that makes up burlesque in Austin. It may not be the bigtime, and I could definitely do without another rendition of "I Wanna Be Evil," but it comes from such a fabulous let’s-put-on-a-show ethic and plays to a crowd who loves to love its performers.

I have no earthly idea how my performance was and won’t until I see the video, but everyone was so complimentary about my Anna Nicole tribute. The photo below is thanks to Mariana, and I have to say that my ass is awfully pronounced for being so far away.


I learned that Good’n’Plenty read as pills on stage pretty well, and that South Texas has some very sexy, very talented stripteasers. That last part really delights me, knowing that in Corpus Christi and Brownsville there are women putting on their own damn shows.

There were friends of mine from all over in Austin that weekend, which culminated in an impromptu eight-woman topless photo in my sister’s bedroom. Some of those ladies have very respectable day jobs or post-dancing careers, so I’m keeping my copies password protected.

All in all, a fabulous weekend. I got into town on Wednesday and spent a couple of very relaxing days out in the Hill Country. Friday night was the opening night of the festival down at the Parish, a venue I last visited when Idlewild played there in the summer of 2005. It’s the same but without smoking now. There was strobelit hula hooping, Kitty Kitty Bang Bang’s "Eye of the Tiger" number, a gorgeous champagne glass act by Miss Maulie, and the crowd-pleasing "Closer" from the Carousel Cabaret. That particular piece is performed by three women dressed as a sheep, a pig, and a chicken, and a man in overalls, to a bluegrass version of, naturally, Nine Inch Nails’ "Closer," emphasizing the "I want to fuck you like an animal" chorus. Very East Texas. I sadly didn’t get photos of dick as the club was packed to capacity and the performers didn’t get seats (I think I might have bought myself a ticket had I known this to be the case, or packed a camp stool or something, as I was geared up in heels and cocktail dress for the occasion).

Happily I ran into my old Memphis pal and genius photographer/DJ Victoria, saw lots of Austin friends, and reconnected with Audrey Maker, the event planning machine behind Burlesque for Peace and many other wonderful Austin events. Victoria Djed post-show for dancing fun, while Pig Girl from Carousel danced in her outfit. Which had six nipples. Pig nipples.

Saturday I was up far earlier than I should have been but one of the great things about not drinking is that I don’t have hangovers, just, you know, tired and hungry feelings. The Hideout played host to a panel for the fest, which was pretty casual. There are a few things that post-fest should be emphasized, like:

Be creative, and don’t dance to songs that have been done. to. death. Examples: “I Want to Be Evil,” “Big Spender,” “Fever.”
Make sure you can get out of your costume. There was an amazing example of a wardrobe malfunction on Saturday night when one gorgeous performer couldn’t get her cheongsam unzipped. Ouch. Zippers are tricky; I prefer the plastic, heavy-duty separating kind. This is the sort of professional information we have to share!
If you’re doing a striptease, fucking take off your clothes already! I swear, one more flesh-toned bra with pasties glued to it, pshht. If you just want to dress slutty, do group dance numbers, and emulate the Pussycat Dolls, all without any actual nudity, go to college and join the damn drill team. Or start a girl group. Sexy chick singers and dance groups are great, but it needs to be entertaining above and beyond the emulation of America’s most beloved hootchies to be burlesquey fun. Like, singing “Gloria” instead of “Fever” and having a kickline of gals dressed like Patti Smith would totally work for me. Can someone do that?
On the other hand, group dance numbers of seven chicks in Jolly Roger pasties dancing to punk rock amuses me.

So now you know about most of Saturday, a lot of which I missed due to talking to 50% of all the people I know in Austin, being in the dressing room changing after performing, and having my picture taken. I'm still amazed the place was able to accommodate all the performers.



There were a couple of fan dances, my favorite being Bon Bon Vivant’s gorgeous pink flamingo number. There were some audience awards but I don’t remember all of them; I think the Lollibombs received best troupe and Cardinal Cyn got best solo, but I’ll wait for confirmation on that. The trophies were pretty cool.



Doryan and Adam of Burlesque for Peace won Best MCs, a deal that I think was sealed when they twirled tassels attached to the front of their thongs.

Huge congratulations are due to Audrey Maker and Stacey Breakall (a great performer in her own right with Kitty Kitty Bang Bang) for putting together a fun and exiciting sold-out inaugural festival. Here's Audrey, not going insane before Saturday's show.



I’m bummed that people couldn’t get in on both nights, but that’s also a testament to their success. I hope there will be something going on in March for South by Southwest in Austin, as I’m planning on spending a good chunk of time in Texas then.

Blogger's Choice Awards

Imagine my amusement when Avalon let me know she'd nominated me for one of these. I believe she put me up for Best Business Blog, Best Entertainment Blog, and Best Blog About Stuff. Out of those categories I feel the last one to be most representative of rivercitykitty.com, and so humbly request your votes in that category.

Vote for me for Best Blog about Stuff here.

The following stripper blogs also richly deserve your vote.

HoboStripper is of course unique among bloggers. She is the only vandwelling herbalist stripper blogger I know.

Vote for HoboStripper.

AZAvalon is extremely market-savvy and willing to share information with her fellow strippers.

Vote for Avalon

Stripaholic is hot, funny, Jewish, athletic, and on the East Coast. If she were a man I would have slept with her on the first date.

Vote for Stripaholic.

Those last two are new, but very prolific, blogs. I hope they stick around.

Want to hear something interesting? All three of those women have worked with kids, through teaching or volunteering. Drunk adult men and children have a lot in common. I, naturally, have stuck to the latter.

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This is one of the best, and most useful studies about stripping I have ever read. Actually, I think it's the only scientific study about stripping I've ever seen. Not surprising, though. I'm curious about this: "The researchers were surprised that almost no one in the business had noticed the pattern before." Almost every dancer I know talks about how she makes more money at the special time in her cycle. They must have picked a New Mexico club where the dancers were not terribly self-aware. But now I'm especially sad that I was off work while ovulating this month; I can't wait to start comparing my income tracked against my cycle!